Body Beautiful

As many women have, I have struggled with my self esteem and being accepting of my body my entire life. The intense pressure that we are spoon fed from the media is simply disgusting and a shame to our society really. No matter where we look there is a new thinner, more beautiful and more socially acceptable body image being shoved in our face. Despite all of these pressures and my normal insecurities, I have found that being a pregnant woman is actually quite beautiful...and frankly, I quite like it.

My intense insecurities run as far back as I can remember. Being probably around the age of 8, I can recall my older brother calling me fat or saying that I had big ankles. The killer part of it is, now that I look back at those pictures, I was extremely skinny! But there that first lie was, loudly resounding in my little, delicate mind..."I am fat." I can also vividly remember my mother meticulously watching every morsel that she put into her mouth and sometimes eyeing what I would put into mine. Sadly, the little lie in my mind quickly grew in to an accepted truth. To think back to this struggle still just rips at the most vulnerable parts of my soul.

The years went on, my weight ebbed and flowed a bit, but the one thing that was constant was the lie that was so "harmlessly" planted within my memory. There were obviously more details, but I will spare you all :) Around my Senior year of highschool I began to get fanatic about my body, the food I ate and what size clothes I could wear. I carefully calculated out every last calorie that I could eat for each and every day. I started out allowing myself to eat around 900 calories a day and within a few weeks and dwindled down to a mere 500 or so. I also would religiously work out every single day in order to burn off any calories I ate. People started noticing I was getting unusually thin, but I of course liked the attention. I was in a full fledged tail spin into Anorexia.

Off to college I went and I was determined not to gain "the freshman 15." And boy, I sure didn't. My "food" of choice was alcohol. I read every bottle of alcohol that I would consume carefully adding that into my daily allowance for calories. On days that I would go out with friends, I would give myself the luxury of eating an apple AND still drinking all the drinks I wanted. I would regularly stare in the mirror watching my clothes get baggier and baggier insisting that all of the stores were just making their clothing sizes bigger. I was in total denial of the shadow of a person that I was becoming. My body was never good enough, never toned enough, never slender enough...never enough!

A roommate of mine introduced me to the idea that I could eat all I wanted and not gain a pound, all I had to do was "get rid" of the food after I ate it. Brilliant idea I thought. I can once again enjoy food without gaining a pound. So my addiction and love affair with food began. This struggle and constant battle has been the most devastating and difficult things in my life. I thought I was doing these horrible things to myself to control my weight and my body, but truth be told, I was completely out of control! I had lost myself, my friends and nearly my life.

Thankfully a good friend of mine encouraged me to seek help. This was so scary for me as admitting that I have a problem was admitting I had "failed." I was a true perfectionist and the perception that others had of me was what I cared about most. I also feared what my family would think of me. Would I be labeled as the "anorexic/bulimic" girl in my perfect little Cleaver family? It was a chance I had to take if I ever wanted to escape the iron grips of this disease. Finally, after several years of Christian counseling, praying, support from family and friends, I can say that I am definitely living a more stable, fulfilled and healthy life style. God has done amazing things through all of those struggles. The road was NOT easy. It was filled with speed bumps, cuts, tears and breakdowns. But God pulled me through.

How does this related to pregnancy? Well being pregnant has put a whole new perspective on how I view my body and my health. Now I look back at those dark times of my life and it makes me just weep. How did I do such horrible things to my body, a beautiful body that would one day be used by God to create and form a new life inside of it? How could I ever look at such a beautiful and perfectly made creation of God and judge it any other way? This pregnancy has truly allowed me to see myself, my whole physical self as beautiful. I look at my pudgy growing belly, my expending waistline and my dimply thighs and I rejoice! I rejoice that God has entrusted me with such an amazing job as to house a developing human. It just blows my mind every time I think of it. Inside my beautiful belly, there grows my perfect little miracle. I feel so unworthy and so incredibly thankful!

I just am in awe at how God can turn every trial into a pure blessing. This baby has already blessed me in ways which I had never imagined. I so look forward to what is yet to come. I strive every day to take care of my body for my baby and for my health. Only God can make a body beautiful.

Love and Blessings!