A Moment in Time

This has by far been the longest stretch I've gone without a post. To be quite honest, Im not entirely sure where to start. This entire summer has been a whirlwind. It's scary as I seem to age, each day goes by just a little bit faster. As I look back over the past year and read through my posts, it is a great reminder that every "season" is only temporary. Even though while we are in the moment, it may seem like eternity, in the end it was merely a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of our life. "This too shall pass", whether it be good or bad. My seasons as of late have been simply breathtaking, mind blowing and humbling.

As I am approaching my 30th birthday, I am reminded that one of my personal life goals was always to "be a mother by the time Im 30." So, Im not technically meeting it, but I figure I will be about one month shy so Im pretty darn close :) I am 33 weeks pregnant with our first amazingly perfect baby boy. Yes, at times it seems like I've been pregnant forever, but now that I reflect back...it's going by too quickly. I feel like once I have this little guy out and into the real world, I will miss the special bond he and I have. Feeling his quaint little hiccups every night, carefully playing poke with him as he so eagerly pushes back on my hand or just resting my hand on my belly and smiling to myself knowing that God has blessed me with the most amazing miracle (side note, he just gave me a REALLY healthy kick to my right lung. He must know Im writing about him). :) This time alone with my son is something no one else on this planet will ever experience. It is something I will always hold dear to my heart. Thank you Lord for your abundant blessings and this precious little miracle of a new life. As you can see below, he looks JUST like his daddy already! And Im not just saying that, he truly does. It is adorable :)


In the months since I have update this blog, we had also found a house. It happened to be a new construction home, so we built it from the ground up. The process was a little overwhelming at times, and again, at times it seemed like eternity to build the house. But now that we're all moved in and settled, I look back and realized we built an entire house! From nothing but land to a two story walk-out 2,800 square foot home in only about 70 days. Now that is pretty amazing! This home is a true reflection of our taste and my husband's blood, sweat and sometimes tears :) We put a lot of ourselves into it, carefully planning and thinking about every single room. My husband worked on a lot of custom tiling throughout, he sheet-rocked, painted and wired parts of it. We both take a lot of pride in taking care of it and creating a new home for our growing family. The neighborhood is great with lots of playful little kids running around, trails for miles and just a few blocks from a lake. Some days it feels like vacation. We both really love it.

One thing we miss is our friends. We only live between 10-25 minutes away from all of our close friends, but it's enough to make us feel a little isolated. We used to live about 2 miles away from so many of our friends, it was such a blessing! We moved into this part of the city because of my husband's job. His commute is only about 15 minutes now as opposed to 45 minutes from our old house...so it was without question we had to move. Living a bit further from our friends makes me a bit nervous as I will be staying home full time once our little one arrives. Yes, there are plenty of new mothers in the neighborhood that we live in, but I ADORE my wonderful girlfriends :) They are Christ-centered, encouraging and uplifting young women who seek God's will in all areas of their lives. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them. As a new mom, I know I will need their support more than ever. So Im praying we are able to get together even though Im a bit further down the road and Im praying I meet new wonderful women of God in my new area. I know there's a lot of great G0d-fearing women out there wanting a new friend :)

So I shall close for now, but thought Id give an update to "everyone" :). Probably all of 5 people who sometimes read this. We are so excited and terrified of the anticipated arrival of our little man! I really can't believe he will be here so soon! I should take advantage of my free time to actually keep up with my blog while I can. I am learning to truly enjoy every moment in time, appreciate each season and praise God through it all. I am one amazingly blessed woman! Good night and God bless!

Body Beautiful

As many women have, I have struggled with my self esteem and being accepting of my body my entire life. The intense pressure that we are spoon fed from the media is simply disgusting and a shame to our society really. No matter where we look there is a new thinner, more beautiful and more socially acceptable body image being shoved in our face. Despite all of these pressures and my normal insecurities, I have found that being a pregnant woman is actually quite beautiful...and frankly, I quite like it.

My intense insecurities run as far back as I can remember. Being probably around the age of 8, I can recall my older brother calling me fat or saying that I had big ankles. The killer part of it is, now that I look back at those pictures, I was extremely skinny! But there that first lie was, loudly resounding in my little, delicate mind..."I am fat." I can also vividly remember my mother meticulously watching every morsel that she put into her mouth and sometimes eyeing what I would put into mine. Sadly, the little lie in my mind quickly grew in to an accepted truth. To think back to this struggle still just rips at the most vulnerable parts of my soul.

The years went on, my weight ebbed and flowed a bit, but the one thing that was constant was the lie that was so "harmlessly" planted within my memory. There were obviously more details, but I will spare you all :) Around my Senior year of highschool I began to get fanatic about my body, the food I ate and what size clothes I could wear. I carefully calculated out every last calorie that I could eat for each and every day. I started out allowing myself to eat around 900 calories a day and within a few weeks and dwindled down to a mere 500 or so. I also would religiously work out every single day in order to burn off any calories I ate. People started noticing I was getting unusually thin, but I of course liked the attention. I was in a full fledged tail spin into Anorexia.

Off to college I went and I was determined not to gain "the freshman 15." And boy, I sure didn't. My "food" of choice was alcohol. I read every bottle of alcohol that I would consume carefully adding that into my daily allowance for calories. On days that I would go out with friends, I would give myself the luxury of eating an apple AND still drinking all the drinks I wanted. I would regularly stare in the mirror watching my clothes get baggier and baggier insisting that all of the stores were just making their clothing sizes bigger. I was in total denial of the shadow of a person that I was becoming. My body was never good enough, never toned enough, never slender enough...never enough!

A roommate of mine introduced me to the idea that I could eat all I wanted and not gain a pound, all I had to do was "get rid" of the food after I ate it. Brilliant idea I thought. I can once again enjoy food without gaining a pound. So my addiction and love affair with food began. This struggle and constant battle has been the most devastating and difficult things in my life. I thought I was doing these horrible things to myself to control my weight and my body, but truth be told, I was completely out of control! I had lost myself, my friends and nearly my life.

Thankfully a good friend of mine encouraged me to seek help. This was so scary for me as admitting that I have a problem was admitting I had "failed." I was a true perfectionist and the perception that others had of me was what I cared about most. I also feared what my family would think of me. Would I be labeled as the "anorexic/bulimic" girl in my perfect little Cleaver family? It was a chance I had to take if I ever wanted to escape the iron grips of this disease. Finally, after several years of Christian counseling, praying, support from family and friends, I can say that I am definitely living a more stable, fulfilled and healthy life style. God has done amazing things through all of those struggles. The road was NOT easy. It was filled with speed bumps, cuts, tears and breakdowns. But God pulled me through.

How does this related to pregnancy? Well being pregnant has put a whole new perspective on how I view my body and my health. Now I look back at those dark times of my life and it makes me just weep. How did I do such horrible things to my body, a beautiful body that would one day be used by God to create and form a new life inside of it? How could I ever look at such a beautiful and perfectly made creation of God and judge it any other way? This pregnancy has truly allowed me to see myself, my whole physical self as beautiful. I look at my pudgy growing belly, my expending waistline and my dimply thighs and I rejoice! I rejoice that God has entrusted me with such an amazing job as to house a developing human. It just blows my mind every time I think of it. Inside my beautiful belly, there grows my perfect little miracle. I feel so unworthy and so incredibly thankful!

I just am in awe at how God can turn every trial into a pure blessing. This baby has already blessed me in ways which I had never imagined. I so look forward to what is yet to come. I strive every day to take care of my body for my baby and for my health. Only God can make a body beautiful.

Love and Blessings!

Wanted: More Friends

Again, being I use this primarily as a journal-type blog, this is a completely transparent post. Not sure if I should post it, but I'm going to anyways :)

Things have been moving a long quite well lately. Im feeling a little better, I actually gained weight for the first time this pregnancy which is great, I feel so blessed, we are building a new house and Mike is loving his new job. However, there is one area of my life that I wish I could improve on. Im not exactly sure how to do this, because it doesn't completely depend on only me.

The area of my life I'd love to grow in is developing deeper friendships or just having more friends in general. I don't know what it is but I can't seem to develop deep friendships with my girl friends. In high school, I had a whole tight group of girls that I could always go to. Even in college, I had a group of wonderful ladies that had my back and I had theirs. Now that Im out of school and in the real world, I really really struggle with this!

I seem to meet a lot of great people, but am just not able to cultivate that deeper connection. Then it gets me thinking, perhaps it is me?! Am I a "bad friend" to begin with? Am I too selfish that people have a difficult time connecting with me? Am I not there for people when they need me? It has been so confusing for me because I try and do nice thoughtful things for people like send cards when something good happens or when there are hardships, attend events for my friends, pray for anyone who needs anything and I try and make plans with people. It seems to be an area many girls probably struggle with. Girls need a lot more substance in friendships than guys do. Like my husband, he merely meets a guy and chats for 5 minutes and suddenly they are "best buds" and hanging out! I completely don't understand that. hahah

Sometimes I think a lot of it stems back to the time in my life when I was really sick. For about a year I was sick. As most of my friends know, I was in and out of Mayo Clinic for several months and even on disability for a while. It was the darkest part of my life. I felt completely isolated and just left alone to deal with everything. Im sure no one really understood what exactly I was going through anyways. So, during that time it was nearly impossible to make any friends let alone keep any. I felt a little abandoned during that time. Perhaps I was expecting too much though.

I think I feel more "needy" during this season of my life because I am going through so many changes. I wish I had a few friends (or even one) who I could just call up and chat with about whatever. I have NO clue about being pregnant or how to care for kids, so of course that is a popular subject. Obviously, my husband is my very best friend and I adore him, but sometimes I just need a girl friend to sit down with.

So instead of sitting here trying to psychoanalyze myself, I will just pray about it. I mean you can't force anyone to be your friend anyways! haha. Oh one weird thing too, I found my whole life I've connected really well with guys as friends. But obviously being married now, that wouldn't be respectful of my husband or just productive in general, so that wont work. Hmmm. I think I will post an add on Craigslist that reads, "Wanted: More Friends". haha. We'll see how that works! J/K of course :) Or maybe there is a match.com for finding good friendships! That is how I met my dear husband after all.

Love and blessings!

Goin' Hunting

Yes, my husband and I have been hunting. House hunting that is :) I've always had a fascination with real estate and homes. One of my favorite channels is HGTV. There is just something about finding that perfect home that has always been a part of my life-dream.

Now of course, there is a level of "fun" to the house hunt. However, there is also quite a bit of stress in the mix. There is a substantial laundry list of things to look for when considering which home to buy. For example, location, good school, open floor plan, room to grow, wont need updates for the next 10 years, in a safe neighborhood, updated kitchen, large master bed and bath, some sort of yard, fireplaces....you get the idea. There is a LOT to consider. I think this time around is more meaningful to us because this home is the place we will be raising our family. My husband and I were both fortunate to have a good childhood and upbringing, we only pray we can provide the same stability for our kids.

Just another fun twist to this all, is of course I have been feeling the need to "nest" already! I've been a lot cleaner than normal around the house. I have been hand-washing dishes even, which trust me is a HUGE deal :) I would love to start thinking about nursery designs, but who even knows where we will be living! As of July 1st, we are essentially "homeless." So, no pressure or anything right? ha.

And again, here we are relying completely on God. I have been in prayer about our future house for a few weeks now. Praying that God would provide us with just the right house and He would give us a peace about it. I know it will work out, I mean God has done FAR greater things for us than finding a home :) I need to remind myself to sit back and relax and let God truly take control. Let go Liz, let go. Lord, please help us find our next home. Amen!

Love and Blessings!

Abundant Blessings

So I am finally able to share the totality of everything that has been going on as of late. As I look back at the past few months, I am blown away and deeply humbled by God's abundant blessings in our lives. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude and thanks, that containing all of my joy has been one huge undertaking.

Just a really quick recap of our first few years of marriage. Literally, the very first day after we returned from our honeymoon, I found out I was laid off from my job. This was devastating. We had just gotten married, moved in together and purchased our first home. The last stressor we needed was a loss of income. I went on to be unemployed for about 4 months, you can imagine the strain this caused on our young, fragile marriage. Also shortly after we moved into our home, I started getting sick. Really sick. Just over a year ago I was spending about 2 months going back and forth to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. I was on medical disability. I went through countless procedures and tests. Finally, the root cause was discovered. But again, it wasn't easy on our marriage. I also must say, in this prolonged storm of our lives, my husband and I grew closer than I could have ever imagined. We saw each other's most vulnerable places and witnessed each other's darkest sides as well. But with God, we came out stronger. However, I was beginning to wonder if our whole marriage was going to be filled with one trial after the other. What happened to the "honeymoon phase?" :)

Fast forward about a year....As you all know, I am pregnant, which in and of itself is a miracle! About 9 months ago, my Dr. had told me that I may never be able to have children. They had found a large cyst as well as endometriosis and I needed surgery. Those words clawed at my deepest heart's desire. I wasn't prepared to hear that I might not be able to have children and wasn't ready to accept it. By God's amazing grace, here we are now expecting a baby! We truly couldn't be more thrilled!

Another thing we had been trying to deal with is our housing situation. We aren't able to sell our home because of the market and what we paid for it, but we wanted to move for more space and the number of issues we've found in our home. For most people, our home would be fine. But Im sensitive to a few things that we've found in our home and I've been more sick since we've moved in here. So, we had been trying to rent out our home. Well, we found some renters. Some GREAT renters. They are a married older couple with one 16 year old child that will be living with them. They are Christians and clean and all of their references checked out great! We are so happy to have them in our home. Praise God again!

The final blessing that I am just floored by, is my husband got a new job!!!! This is something he's been trying at for a while now. He actually had an amazing job offer with a large well-known company in Michigan. It would be a great financial opportunity! But we would have to leave our family and our close friends and support group at our church, which we love! Being pregnant and after much prayer and listening to the Holy Spirit in our hearts, we decided despite the financial gain, this opportunity was not the right one for us. So he turned it down. Not kidding, the NEXT day, this other opportunity he had applied for starting moving, fast! We weren't sure how much this paid or the details, but doors were opening left and right. The next thing we knew, my husband was on a flight for a final interview. Turns out this job was even a better opportunity than the one in Michigan AND it is in the cities! This is the best of the best! God knew there was something even better in store for us and all we had to do was listen to His will for our lives! Well, he got the job!!!!!!!!! We are now house hunting in the South West Metro :)

Really, I am just so so so so thankful, humbled, overwhelmed and in awe of God's provisions in our lives. Can you believe it!? We have been knocked down by blessing after blessing after blessing! We don't deserve these types of blessings. I just am so over joyed. I guess this is a story to never give up hope. There were days just a year ago that I just tried to put all of my dreams on hold or forget about them and just "get by" through life. Thankfully, God had even BIGGER things in store. I can't even believe what He has done and can't wait to see what other amazing journeys He has for us yet. Thank you Lord for your abundant blessings!

Love and Blessings!

My Favorite Beat

So this last week or so, I haven't necessarily "felt" pregnant. Now anyone who has been pregnant or who is pregnant, gets what I am talking about. For the rest of you, just trust me. Somedays, despite being extremely tired or feeling nauseous, you just don't "feel" pregnant. I haven't gained even a pound, my pants are loose, I don't feel bloated or anything. It just seemed like there should be MORE going on down there.

So of course because of the lack of physical signals that I was obviously pregnant and not just sick, I was worried. Again, there is that evil "w" word...worried. I did admit earlier that it is still something I struggle with. I mean, I am only human. So I was frantically emailing friends, posting on some message boards and searching through books once again about "not feeling pregnant." I also specifically prayed last night that God would give me peace about my little child and that if it is still growing inside me, that He would protect it and nourish it.

Another thing that had thrown me over the worry-edge, was the fact that I haven't heard the heartbeat yet. When we went to our first appointment at 9 weeks, we saw the baby and saw the heartbeat, but did not hear it. You'd think just seeing things would mean "believing", but there is something about actually hearing the lub-dub of your baby's heartbeat that pacifies like no other. A few days after my first appointment, I purchased a fetal doppler. Basically, the same thing they have in the doctor's office, just for use at home. Of course I tried it out right away with no luck. I should have been smarter than that to even try, because not even my doctor tried to hear the heartbeat. She knew it was too early and my uterus was tilted too far back.

Never one to give up, I persistently tried hearing the soothing beat of the heartbeat. Almost nightly, I would lather my belly up with some gel and probe around in hopes of catching a beat or two. Well, to my joy and surprise, FINALLY this morning I was able to hear it! It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard and a perfect 150 beats! It was like it was singing to me a new song, a love song! Thank you God for sending me this amazing little miracle to let me know everything is ok! I immediately broke into a deep sob. It is my baby, it is alive and thriving and developing! I was hooked, I am absolutely in love!

I am now officially addicted to my doppler and am so thankful I purchased it! I am going to say hello to my little one every single day. I can't wait to see him/her again! I can't imagine when I will actually feel it someday, what's that going to be like? This is more and more amazing every moment. I've never been more thrilled in my life. Thank you Lord for your blessings and grace!

Love and Blessings

Worries and A Flutter of Life

One of the biggest battles I've faced during this pregnancy is "worrying." I suppose all newly pregnant first-timers go through the same thing. Is this "normal", should I be feeling this way or what can and can I not eat? Those are just a few of the hundreds of things to worry about. I keep having to remind myself that ultimately, God has even this in His gracious hands. Welcome to motherhood Liz, let the worrying begin :)

It seems as though within the first few moments of knowing I was expecting, I was worried! Am I REALLY pregnant (even though I took 8 tests)? Could this be a mistake? Why don't I feel pregnant? I haven't been throwing up. Did I eat ok the past few weeks? Oh dear, did I have a beer too close to today? All of these frantic thoughts were racing through my head faster than I could handle. What made it even more of a challenge was the fact that I didn't want to tell anyone until I actually knew for sure that there really was a baby in there and not just a double pink line on a stick. So my friends were of no help at first.

My solution to get to the bottom of all my insanity, was to call my Dr. and schedule my first prenatal appointment! What a fabulous idea. So I called expecting to get in within a few days. Surely they wanted to make sure Im pregnant themselves right? WRONG. They didn't even want to see me for four weeks! That's right, four! How can they possibly leave me alone with all these worries being thrown at me like grenades? I will surely explode.

So the four weeks begin to pass, very. slowly. I try and do my own research online through various pregnancy sites. I even bought five different pregnancy books. Yep, if it's out there Im pretty sure I own it. So did any of those things help me? Nope, not one bit. They only brought on more questions, concerns, anxiety and worry! In the midst of the chaos, I heard this "voice" softly whispering to my soul, "Liz, turn it over to me. I already know the child I am forming in your womb. He/she is perfectly and wonderfully made." Ahhh, there it was, the one firm thing I could stand on. My Heavenly Father.

I will admit, I still struggle with it, but I pray daily for God to bring me peace. For Him to protect and develop this amazing gift growing inside me. God, please let me not worry about tomorrow and help me focus on You God. For You are the source of all things good. This amazing little life, even in these delicate stages of development, is bringing me closer to God. I've surrendered and truly given it over to Him, finally. Yes, I sometimes even catch myself worrying about a miscarriage, as several of my friends have experienced such a devastating loss. But I must know that even in that circumstance, God had that beautiful child in His hands. God, Im trusting You.

And finally 4 weeks later, at the end of all this worry, there it was. As clear as anything I could have ever imagined, my babies dear little heart beat. Absolutely perfect. The quick flutter looked like a small butterfly beating its wings rapidly. A sure sign of a thriving life. I could see my miracle's spine, arms, legs and head. I just laid there with my neck tilted up looking at this screen of this child, of this soul, of this precious life that God has entrusted me with taking care of and providing for while it is on this earth. I was overwhelmed and left speechless. Wow, thank you Lord!

This is an amazing journey. I can't wait until I can see little baby dubs again. I pray every single day that God continues to strengthen and bless my little flutter of a child. I am so blessed. I am overwhelmed. I am over joyed. I am beyond thankful. God, You have truly out-done yourself. How can I ever thank you enough?

Love and Blessings!